The Church as Community: A Young Adult Perspective

This blog is usually reserved for my own thoughts, rants, and pondering and is primarily for my own amusement. Today is an exception that I think you will appreciate. 

Last night I logged on to Facebook and immediately came across a piece written by my 34-year-old son, prompted by some experiences his family (Brian, his wife Lyda, and their two daughters Ashley and Ayla, ages 5 and 2) have had in their local congregation. If you're paying attention, you will have understood that those girls are our grandchildren, so all of this has context for me.

I was surprised by the thoughtful reflections and the powerful recommendations he made, not because I thought him incapable of such reflection, far from it, but because I had no idea he had given this much analysis to issues of church life. That was a learning moment for me.

The Facebook piece got a lot of positive response and it's been reposted a number of times. I thought people who read this blog would enjoy Brian's essay. I wish I had written it myself, but I didn't. So the best I can do is claim he comes from good stock and turn this page over to him. For one day.

The Church as Community: A Young Adult Perspective

by Brian McMurray

I seem to be hearing a lot lately about churches having a concern that the young adult membership isn't as engaged as it used to be. There are several reasons as to why that may be - but the more compelling topic is how to change it. I've thought about this quite a bit and I have a few ideas of what a modern church might do to engage this age group. These are only my own thoughts.

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1. Be a community, not a religion. I'll be honest, the "religion" part of church is not why I'm there. It never has been. Sure, that's important (and as I get older it is becoming more important) but I believe that the conversation that takes place AFTER church is more important than what happens during the service. I would make this time something your church focuses on. Focus on your community, not just your worship and you'll attract new members more easily.

2. Sunday school should be an opportunity for supporting each other. We've recently made our Young Adult Sunday school time into a discussion group. One week we'll discuss a current issue in society and then alternate the next week with a discussion of our own lives. This turned Sunday school time into a much needed support group for our young adult families. I now look forward to Sunday school, something I never even used to attend.

3. Be even more accepting of young kids. Sure every church thinks they're accepting of kids but there's a difference between tolerating a child in a service and actually gearing your service or other activities to include young children. The entire service doesn't have to be this way and it doesn't have to be every week - but kid friendly moments (not just story time) during a service make a huge difference in the way I, and frankly my kids, feel about church.

4. Use technology (audio/video/internet) in your church. If you're not at least on the road to modernizing and using technology in your church, you might as well give up now because you'll be obsolete in 5-10 years - tops. If you don't have a young adult helping with this stuff in your church - ask. In my case, this was exactly how I wanted to help in my congregation. I saw this as a way I could contribute to a need the congregation had.

5. When you want me to help with something - make it easy for me to sign up. Don't call me on the phone in the middle of the day and talk for an hour about what you want. Be specific, give me a quick way to sign up to help and I'll let you know if I can (this is actually one of the main reasons we built the product we did recently at Opus).

6. Don't hit me over the head with money or time commitment requests. If you are doing the steps above - creating a community, giving support, being accepting of kids, the money and time commitments will come because you're creating a relationship with me. As me time frees up (basically as my kids grow older and more independent) it will be difficult for me to turn my back on that relationship. Everyone knows they should give some time and money to their church. In fact, most young adults admit to feeling guilty if they aren't. It's ok to ask for help and it's great for everyone to know the budgetary needs of the congregation - but don't make it seem like it's the only reason I'm there or you'll drive me away.

7. Allow casual dress. Sometimes people want to dress up, sometimes they don't. You don't want to have a church that judges others based on what they wear. Let people wear what makes them comfortable, especially if they're not participating in the service. Many will choose to dress formally, some will dress more casually but you'll make people more comfortable and thus, feel more positively toward your church.

8. Stop judging my friends. I grew up with several gay friends - which is not uncommon these days. If my denomination doesn't support my friends' right to love the person they love or marry the person they want to marry - and ESPECIALLY if my denomination won't allow my friend to participate as a minister - then my denomination doesn't accurately represent me and it makes it very difficult for me to support it with my time or money now or in the future. I'm sure people disagree with me (or have the exact opposite opinion) but look at the world around you and ignore this at your own peril. I believe that the churches who focus on acceptance and community over division and requirements will be the most successful in the end.

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I'm sure there's plenty to disagree with for some people on my list - and that's fine. This is just my opinion, if you disagree, that's cool. I will say that I'm glad to be a part of a church (Walnut Gardens) that already does all of these things (it's where I got the idea for this post). We have great older membership that really reaches out to include the young adults. It's not unusual for the young adults go to movies with the senior members just because they like hanging out together.

But I realize it's not like this everywhere. From my perspective, these changes are all worth making if you want to re-engage with young adults and see your congregation grow in the future.

The Red Carpet Needs Vacuuming

Pretty much everything wrong about American culture is on lurid display when they roll out the red carpet for a breathless procession of celebrity worship prior to the annual Oscars award show. 

I like the movies, thought there were many outstanding films and performances justly recognized for their artistic merit and entertainment value, and I even enjoyed much of the program itself. I confess to losing track of how many bare breasts Seth MacFarlane had seen from among the actresses in attendance--his musical homage to the best mammary performances of the year was perhaps a tad crude. Bob Hope would have done it more subtlety but with a similar naughty chuckle.

The Oscars show and awards have been analyzed and critiqued from top to bottom and I have nothing to add, or mercifully choose not to do so. But I am in a bit of a toot about the red carpet and the appalling opulence, ignorance, and superficiality it represents in an era of unemployment, gun violence, sequesters, and threats to the very preservation of the species--global warming, renegade asteroids, nuclear bombs, unmanned drones, and Honey Boo Boo.

We are experiencing a serious erosion of the character of America and it is not just a domestic matter. Its consequences are being felt in our homes and neighborhoods but its impact is global. It is felt in many ways.

We have a broken governmental system that is reaping the scorn of the American people. We have acquiesced to a culture of incivility that demonstrates a shocking acceptance of racial slurs, childhood bullying, political intolerance, and a total lack of respect for diversity in ethnicity, personal lifestyles, and the marketplace of ideas.

And despite a system that arguably led to the worst economic crash in 70 years we continue to accept an ever-expanding gap between the rich and the middle class (let alone the poor), rewarding CEO's, money managers, athletes, entertainers, and a select few with obscene wealth while unions get busted and teachers, industrial workers, public safety employees and others limp along hoping they won't lose their jobs or succumb to the fear du jour--that they might get sequestered, whatever that means.

NBA Bad Boy Player Dennis Rodman meets with
North Korean Big Boy Dictator Kim Jung Un.
Probably discussing nuclear proliferation.

In the midst of this primal disorder our society still seems willing to embrace this culture of celebrity that celebrates the worst of us. It ranges from rented jewelry to eye-popping dresses leading to red carpet questions like, "You must tell me, darling. Who are you wearing tonight?" Oh please! My favorite answer came from a minor actress enjoying midlife, "Oh, I just pulled something out of the closet at the last minute." [Grant applauds]

And then came the biggest mistakes of the night. They actually let some of these starlets talk into the microphone. Oh Sweet Jesus, why? Surely somebody got fired. A boyfriend with a big neck and chin stubble looks around as Bambi explains how she had been born to act. I'm looking at that boyfriend checking out a redhead over by the palm tree and I'm thinking I'll bet I know where she practices her acting.

I'm sorry. See what this nonsense does to one?

But you know what? This really isn't very funny. For example, this week Dennis Rodman, former NBA basketball player who was at the center of countless debacles throughout his career, became the first American to formally meet with the new leader of North Korea, Kim Jung Un, who apparently loves basketball. Just turned 30, he is the youngest leader of any nation in the world and his country is one of nine nations with some form of nuclear capability. When asked what he thought of Kim, Rodman said he was an "awesome kid."

When Honey Boo Boo points the way
how can her adoring fans not follow?

And then cometh a seven-year-old child beauty pageant winner who has managed to parlay rudeness into cuteness and precocity into authority, landing her entire dysfunctional family a reality television show. It is reported that the family is paid $50,000 per episode and the child has accumulated a personal worth of $300,000.

Critics were largely appalled by the seeming exploitation of a rural Georgia family, most of whom were chubby, had atrocious eating habits, and got into a thin mint scandal with the Girl Scouts. In fairness, she has supporters as well, including celebrities who embrace her star quality and point to her as a role model for children who have to deal with weight problems.

Apart from her serving as an icon of American decadence and frivolity, I've got no issue with Honey Boo Boo; I had never even heard of her until she began appearing in the headlines alongside coverage of John Kerry's first international tour as Secretary of State. As Kerry was adroitly moving from one hot spot to another, trying to deal sensitively with such issues as the searing violence in Syria, it kept feeling like that story was partnered by this little kid vying for attention and her parents vying for you know what.

What must the world be thinking of us, I kept wondering?

And that is the nub of my little rant against the celebrity culture. Those who know me will surely agree that I am more than willing to look at the lighter side; much of what I write and speak is delivered with a twinkle in my eye. Seriousness of purpose does not negate humorous reflection.

But laughing at funny is not the same as laughing at stupid. We are awash in celebrities without talent, wealth without merit, and causes without virtue. When matched with national and global distress and with increasing public anger we are at risk of a dangerous upheaval in our society. There are incredibly deep and significant questions arising from our very foundations, and Bambi, Dennis Rodman, and Honey Boo Boo are not the answers.

I will concede this. I didn't see them, but I'm sure Meryl Streep and Daniel Day Lewis walked that red carpet as well. It is not just that they have enormous talent, but when it came time to speak they were gracious, eloquent, humorous, and had something to say. In other words, they are stars. I can live with that, and even celebrate it.

My Granddaughter is 5. Please Help Us Protect Her!

My granddaughter Ashley will be five years old tomorrow. I know that is why I found myself an emotional wreck on Friday, spinning between a crushing sorrow and a seething anger. This is way too personal, way too real.

As I went about my normal activity on Friday morning I didn't pay much attention to the beeps emitting from my iPhone and other gadgets laying here and there around my study. I knew they were signaling that there was "breaking news," but I also knew there was rarely much significance to the notices. Probably Lindsey Lohan violating her parole while shopping at Gucci's, I muttered to myself, or perhaps the fiscal cliff negotiators are reporting no progress.

And then I picked up the phone and saw the words scrolling across its 2" x 3" screen. I could only grasp it in pieces. It was as if the full picture, the truth of it all, was too much to take in at once. I turned on the television and just sat there for most of the day. And I cried a lot, something I don't do much.

Later that morning our daughter-in-law sent us a text recounting a conversation she had with Ashley, explaining why she had been crying all morning. I was so grateful for Lyda who knew she had to find words for Ashley at a time when she didn't have the words for herself.

Usually things like this prompt me to write or pontificate in other ways. I try to piece it together, make some larger point, sometimes generate a little dialogue, and then move on. But this time it seemed different. The news outlets were awash in words as people tried to find context or meaning. Sometimes a slice of understanding emerges but the reality evades any kind of summing up. We will have to settle for glimpses here and there, perhaps depending more on poetry than prose.

If there is a big picture here, a sliver of hope, it may be in what feels to me like disorientation. Roles are changing. People are questioning their own positions, no matter how devoted to them they may have been.

The President is being referred to as the Comforter in Chief. His tears on Friday have been replayed over and over, perhaps too often. He takes pride in his stoic demeanor, especially in difficult times. But this time the tears were what we needed. Somebody had to cry for all of us. It was not planned or rehearsed. It just came, undoubtedly in part because the President's own beloved daughters were in his heart as he walked to that podium in the White House.

Sunday night he became a preacher, matching the need to console the broken-hearted with the need to proclaim justice. Religious language does not come easily to him, but he knew that this was a time when the familiar words of scripture would speak in ways that his words would not, especially when spoken with his voice. It was disorienting, but that is why it was important.

Even the gun issue is being processed in a new way. Oh, the talking heads from the NRA are out in force as they always are. But already they are seeming to be irrelevant. Their mindless defense of the right to bear arms like these assault weapons that spray 30 blood-spattering bullets with the pull of a trigger is being seen for the nonsense that it is. For the first time in my memory politicians and commentators with 100% ratings from the NRA are stating, sometimes with passion, that things MUST change. Again, disorienting, but also promising.

The narrative that began on Friday has lurched and lumbered clumsily across the national landscape. It turns out that the mother of the shooter was not a teacher killed in her classroom, but herself a gun owner and outspoken advocate found dead in her home at the hand of her own son using one of her own weapons. Disorienting, and troubling.

Lisa Belkin writes provocatively that gun control is a parenting issue:

We can't just grieve and hold our children close. We have to demand that our country earn the right to call itself a civilized nation. We need to do this because our central job as parents -- maybe our only job, really -- is to keep our children safe so they can grow up. Easy access to guns keeps us from doing that job.

It sounds like she is saying that the problem is with me. And with you as well. Disorienting, but I'm afraid she may be right.

We don't know where all this goes. We have a history of having to face events like this, expressing our despair or anger or grief, and then allowing them to slip quietly out of our consciousness.

There is one thing that is different. These were children. Twenty of them, aged six and seven. That is the difference, they say.

My granddaughter turns five tomorrow. Please help us protect her.

Please!

Pondering Out Loud as the Clock Ticks Down

Two weeks from now we will know who will be president of the United States for the next four years. That assumes, of course, that there will be no intervention by a Supreme Court that seemed to enjoy appointing the president when the opportunity came their way in the 2000 election (okay, okay, it's cheesy and should be beneath me, but still...). In truth the razor thin margin this year doesn't guarantee any outcome--a tie in the Electoral College is far from impossible, leaving the decision to the Republican-controlled House of Representatives. Oh my!

I'm cursed by being interested in all this. I watch the darn debates. I listen to the cable television talking heads prattling away into the night. Sometimes I watch the late, late night reruns hoping the blue vote in Wyoming might have slipped beyond the statistical margin of error that Rachel or Wolf reported three hours before.

It never does. But then, before I could trigger the remote I would find myself in the middle of an infomercial for some kind of cream that repairs your male pattern baldness, restores your libido to when you were 14, and when properly applied reminds you (men only please) to put the toilet seat down. All this for only $14.95 plus shipping and handling, bringing the total to $87.58. It's deals like this that keep you interested in politics.

I've got some things rattling around in my head about this election and think it might be a good idea to get them written down before they become tainted by outcome. There is nothing to ruin a good night of pondering more quickly than to have it ratified or repudiated by facts.

Not my granddaughter but almost as cute.

For purposes of full disclosure let me acknowledge than I consider myself an independent but I mostly vote for Democrats. In 2008 I enthusiastically and tearfully voted for Obama and will do so this year, perhaps without the tears. I not only support him but I admire him. I am furious at the Republican intransigence over the last four years so it is going to take a while for that party to regain my acceptance in those few places where I might be inclined to support either an idea or candidate.

In addition, I recently turned 65 and am now the recipient of government largesse via Medicare and the Social Security Trust Fund (which I understand is currently busy paying off unfunded war expenses and other such obligations). I tell you all this because I believe that the closest one can get to objectivity is to disclose one's subjectivity.

What follows is a handful of words that prompt in me some reflection or feeling pertaining to the current election cycle. Each word could probably stand on its own merit but I'll give them a couple of sentences explanation just in case you, dear reader, think differently, and therefore wrongly, about its meaning. We can't have that.

INCIVILITY: During a speech by the President to a joint session of Congress Rep. Joe Wilson yelled aloud "You Lie!" That is perhaps the benchmark in a season of rudeness and disrespect that does not auger well for a political climate worthy of our highest aspirations.

PROPORTIONALITY: Little things weigh too much. That can apply to a poorly phrased idea or a faulty memory, but a deeper illustration is Obama's admittedly poor debate performance in his first standoff with Romney. Most analysts think a good debate by Obama would have virtually locked the race down; instead it energized the opposition and left an election still in doubt just two weeks away. Pretty serious consequences for a bad day.

CARNIVAL: The Republicans rolled out about 20 debates with a cast of characters that rivaled the traveling carnivals of my youth. We got a bunch of wannabes dancing on the edge of embarrassment--Herman Cain (thin crust), Newt Gingrich (smart but tone deaf), Michelle Bachman (scary cute), Rick Perry (even God's endorsement didn't help), Ron Paul (unpopular truths stir fried with blunt fun), Rick Santorum (see Manchurian candidate), and others. Eliminate those and you're left with two Mormons--Jon Huntsman (ignore because he makes sense and is experienced) and Mitt Romney (well no one will vote for a Mormon right?). A few others didn't make the cut. Can you imagine being told you don't qualify to be among THIS field of candidates? But the bottom line is this: the quantity and quality of these debates did not serve us well.

RELIGION: I spent 33 years on the staff of a faith community, eight years as the denominational president. I know a bit about faith and politics and I find the use of those principles in today's campaigns to be appalling. Several candidates said they were running in response to a call from God. I always thought God was too busy controlling the outcome of football games to take on politics as well. Those who want a reasonable understanding of church and state would be well advised to note that the constitutional "wall of separation" is designed not just to protect the church from the state but also to protect the state from the church. And to that I say,"Amen."

EXTREMISM: Even as I write this there is much ado on the television about the congressman who stated that a child conceived in a rape is a "gift from God." My own state features commercials about one of our congressmen who seems to know that if it's a "legitimate rape" a woman has the ability to close it down and presumably prevent conception. I can't even believe I'm writing this stuff. This campaign cycle has featured a war against science, a battle over the rights of women to control their own bodies, and it has put extremists in a position of forcing candidates to embrace positions they do not believe in for the sake of getting elected. We have a right to expect our leaders not to be scared of scary extremists. In 2012, alas, that is misplaced hope.

MONEY: This is the worst of all. Thanks to the same Supreme Court mentioned above, virtually any meaningful campaign finance limits were struck down. That left us with an orgy of spending beyond belief, and some billionaires or poorer millionaires made it clear they would use their PACs and Super PACs as vessels for contributions without limits and often without disclosure. I might be good for a $200 political contribution in a race I care about, maybe some smaller amounts for local elections. Why would I feel motivated to give a couple hundred bucks in a time when the well-heeled have bought the election for the price of a $10,000 breakfast and a photo op? I eat my Raisin Bran, sip my coffee, read the morning paper, and sulk. And for good reason.

So now we await the outcome of this tortuous process. We will each do our part in accordance with our convictions. It looks like a mess, but somehow it usually seems to turn out okay. I trust that it shall be so in this election year.

And then, could we please turn our attention to things we can learn from the flawed process leading finally to November 6, 2012. This grand experiment in democracy is sorely in need of a tuneup.


Note: This version differs slightly from the version posted online around noon on 10/25/2012. Edits were primarily grammatical or for clarity. In a few places, notably the last two paragraphs, a few additional sentences were written. The basic premises are identical in both versions.  (10/25/2012, 8:00pm)

Disappointment, History, and Popeye

Politics will infuse your dreams with hope and the next day smash them cruelly on the rocks. It's horrible, and then you suddenly realize, "My gosh, it's already the next day."

I was profoundly disappointed by the performance of President Obama in the first presidential debate for the 2012 election. I think I have made it very clear that I admire the president and support him in his efforts to build a nation that appeals to our highest values. That admiration has not moved one iota on this day after Mitt Romney trounced him in their first of three such encounters leading up to the election.

Let's be honest and realistic. The spin doctors waste their breath in trying to snatch victory from defeat. It may work with sports but not here. The majority of voters will not make their decision on some intricate mathematical formula that suddenly explains the deficit or keeps grandma's Medicaid coverage in place. It has to do with how we felt about what we saw. It has to do with likability and confidence and trust. You can't spin that.

Mitt Romney stumbled and bumbled his way to the nomination and has run what looks from the outside to be a futile campaign with a deeply flawed candidate. Then, inexplicably, he gulps down a can of spinach, pounds his fists on his chest, and knocks Bluto on his arse. And Olive Oyl swoons.

So, give the guy his due. He prepared, and to his credit he prepared content and not one-liners. You can make all the excuses you want for Obama--he has a day job called "being president," he underestimated Romney having seen his GOP debates, he was tired or had jet lag, or was not feeling well, he just had an off-day as we all do. Doesn't matter. Romney wins, Obama loses.

Richard M Nixon debates
John F Kennedy in 1960.

History is littered with failed debates and victorious candidates. The first televised presidential debate was Nixon vs Kennedy in 1960. Many thought Nixon lost because he had a five o'clock shadow and droplets of sweat on his upper lip. It took him a while but eight years later he was the president, winning a second term before being forced into resignation to avoid impeachment. It is a case study in winning and losing and we need to learn history's lessons.

Today all around the country there are pundits and campaign officials smarter than me criticizing, advising, retooling, and rethinking. It woud be self-indulgent to believe I have anything to add to that mix. My priority now is personal. I need to figure out what I am going to do about this disappointing day. A few preliminary ideas have already come to mind.

A few days ago I got an Obama-Biden bumper sticker through the mail. It's been laying on my desk. Today it goes on the car.

I will try to do my bit by passing out literature, making phone calls, putting up yard signs and all that stuff that works even thought we hate it. I will NOT participate in anything that smacks of robo-calls.

I've read enough to know that Romney's debate performance was built on an altar of half-truths and fuzzy math. I have given him a lot of credit in this piece, but that doesn't mean he gets a pass for his shameless game of cat and mouse with the truth. I will learn what I can and offer the unrequested service of correcting these mistaken notions when I hear them. I will be forthright but I'm no Popeye. I will be gentle.

I will expect the president to carry the water to the finish line. On this day, the day after, he has already begun. It's good to have him back. Mr President, a can of spinach at breakfast might be a good idea, just in case.

And most important, I will remind myself over and over that disappointment fades and today is a new day.